Super-Villain Comic Can No Longer Compete With Reality

With the real world full of despots bent on world domination, the persecution of the weak and the implementation of tax breaks for millionaires, the writers of the popular comic book series 'Masters of Evil' have admitted defeat. 

The comic which first began in the 1960s and contained fictional super-villains such as Doctor Doom, Loki, Dr Octopus, Mysterio and Hitler, has struggled in more recent decades to keep up with a real world saturated by the likes of Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Kim Yong Ill and Mel Gibson. 

Whilst the fictional characters would spend their time trying to entice youngsters to start smoking and disrespect their elders, their real-world counterparts were out overthrowing governments, ruining large parts of Scotland, launching missiles and being a huge dick. Reports that the comic series is to be replaced by a new project titled 'My Struggle - The Nick Griffin Story' have been dismissed.

The Blaggers Guide to...

Sci Fi (or Science Fiction) Here are a few things to remember when trying to hold a conversation with sci-fi geeks: When the question of who was the best Captain of the Enterprise comes up (it will), try to guess the persons age and apply this formula: <30yo = Picard >30yo = Kirk. If they then ask why, for Picard say 'Patrick Stewart is a great actor and his character and development was well written. And for Kirk, 'William Shatner was a tubby chancer who always got the girl/alien thing, and was ultimately more fun. The question of Favorite Films comes up: Do mention: Star Wars - The Empire Strikes Back! Marvel Avengers Assemble - A.k.a. The Avengers (US) Escape from New York (if they are male) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (if they're female!?) Every 'even' numbered Star Trek movie upto and including First Contact. Don't Mention: (unless the conversation has changed to worst sci fi ever) Star Wars - The Phantom Menace (Intergalactic trade dispute.. Exciting!) Battlefield Earth (WTF?) Every 'odd' numbered Star Trek movie, but also including Nemesis. Which sadly broke this handy rule. A few quick things to remember: Superman doesn't like Kyptonite and has trouble seeing through lead and the colour pink Ironman's 'secret' identity is NOT Ozzy Osbourne The metal covering Wolverines bones is Adamantium (easy to remember, just hum 'Prince Charming' by Adam and the Ants) Han Solo shoots first, that's why he's cool. George Lucas changed it so Greedo shoots first, this is why he's NOT cool. Darth Vader is Luke Skywalkers Dad (Noooooo! Oh yes!) Luke Skywalker is Princess Leia Brother (Ewww! They kiss!) Spock's nerve pinch doesn't work in real life (shame, but no) Planet of the Apes (AHHH! It's really EARTH!) And Solent Green is PEOPLE! And finally, if the whole facade is slipping and they are beginning smell Babel Fish, try: 'Someone really needs to stop George Lucas before he makes Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Ewok Village.. 3D!' Should get you out of a tight corner.

Day After Mother's Day Set to be 'International Apology Day'

A Mums' Organisation is to lobby the Government for the day after Mother's day to become another national holiday. Thoughtless offspring the world over will be given an extra day to run around buying flowers, hastily scribble in cards and pick the dried stains off their least creased clothes.

'No matter how many times I drop the hint to my son he always seems to turn up the next day looking slightly dishevled, wielding a very sorry looking bouquet from the local garage and with some ridiculous excuse about being mugged or having to take his girlfriend to the hospital' said a fierce looking mother of two from Norwich.

Sarah Heart Booth, a mother of four disappointments and spokeswoman for 'the pillar of disapproval' wallofmums.com said 'We have had overwhelming support for this petition since it began a few months ago and we are now taking the 2.4 million signatures personally to David Cameron at Number 10. I expect to see him bringing this in early next year, or mark my words he'll be in deep trouble.' She went on to say 'Whilst I'm there I will also be having a long stern chat about the state of the economy and him pulling his socks up.'

Asked to comment about this, Number 10 said 'We really would love to chat but we are a little busy at the moment as we have a lot of last minute dusting to do.'